My days have been busy and full, but equally as rewarding. To say that my role here is a balancing act would be an understatement. I teach, I study French, Fon, and English, I manage classrooms, I share my culture with my colleagues and students, I explain critical thinking activities to my counterpart, I mime more words than I can count when my French fails me, I take an afternoon nap, I go on a walk and socialize with my neighbors, and if my eyes can stay open once I’m in bed I might play the Sims 4 for half an hour. Maybe I’ll listen to an audiobook.
Every Sunday night for the last three weeks, I’ve made bread. It’s a habit I hope to keep up. It’s grounding to make something that goes to fill me up. My third loaf is in the dutch oven as we speak. I really should have started this particular loaf sooner. It’s already nearly 10 pm.
I insist there are no mosquitoes in my city as I scratch a bug bite on my ankle (a rare occurrence, but undeniably itchy in this moment). I’m nearly done setting up my house. My screen door has been installed. The light bulb socket I accidentally burnt out (with smoke and everything) has been replaced with a bulb that is disappointingly dimmer than her older sister. The bathroom light has started flickering. When that one goes out, I need to call the electrician again because I no longer trust myself to change a lightbulb after socket gate. But when he comes, I’ll ask him if it’s possible to get my hallway light a bulb.
A friend brought me a book she had finished because she thought I would like it. We went to the pool as a group yesterday and I devoured a third of it laying out on my towel, my fingers resting on the paper. The night before when we went out to a restaurant, her dog chose chaos and ran off into the grove after dark had fallen. Four phone flashlights stretched across the darkness in different directions. We called her name in apprehension, annoyance, impatience. She came running out of nothing.
I am learning more and more names. My days are full of flashcards in the languages of French, Fon, the countries of Africa, and the hundreds of names of my students. Every day I guard a bit more, but so much remains frustratingly out of reach. It’s ok. I am doing what I can. I take steps each day, and that’s all I can expect from myself. That’s the person I want to be.
We finally finished grading the first round of quizzes for every class. But 6ème (6th grade) has a quiz tomorrow. Devoirs (pre-scheduled school benchmark tests administered twice a semester) begin in mid-November. Every time I finish transferring English club attendance to my tricked-out Google Sheet it’s Wednesday again and I have another 80-90 attendees to process. The grading and paperwork never stops! I like grading and paperwork, it’s rhythmic and satisfying to gather data. It’s just a matter of time. I can’t grade until I go home. I can’t process data without my computer. I work at home a lot. Usually, until seven or eight because the afternoon nap begets a lot of procrastination.
I have goals and things to do! English club is going along very well. Every week 80-90 students attend which is indeed very overwhelming, but I have the help of other English teachers. As each week goes on, the students and I settle into a better rhythm. We’re writing our penpal letters to my high school French teacher’s current French II students. I love getting to engage in writing pedagogy, even at this relatively low level.
It’s really inspiring to me to watch my students struggle and gain ground and voice in their third language (at a minimum. Some students have two local languages and French under their belt. Some students are also enrolled in Spanish and/or German). They have persistance that I take on to myself. And often when they’re at work, they’re joyful. Their brows are scrunched, but they laugh, giggle, and chat. Are there countless times that class gets thrown off track by the rumble of conversation, a word I forgot to translate, and blind spots in my allowance for English language learners? Certainly. Sometimes I underestimate how much repetition students need to nail down a song. But when I fail, I know I can do it again, and I can take those things that didn’t go right as learning. This is something I’ve always known, but now I live it relentlessly. It’s never fun to make those simple mistakes, but there’s Always a next time.
I recently reached out to the Beninese NGO Batonga, a nonprofit company founded by famous Beninese singer Angelique Kidgo that focuses on girl empowerment, and I’m so glad that I did. The staff was thrilled to see me. We planned outings to meet leadership clubs on Wednesday and Friday and started imagining English classes for the community, English tutoring for Batonga participants who are also students.
Not all Batonga participants are students. About half of the participants are actually apprentices, meaning they left school after graduating the first cycle with their BEPC (finishing ninth grade, but it comes with a hard-won certificate. The BEPC is not an easy exam) to learn a trade, whether that be tailoring clothes, styling hair, or more. Apprentices will eventually graduate as masters of their crafts, and these crafts are very secure careers in cities and villages in Benin. Out of necessity, craftsmanship is still very alive here. I personally love that aspect. When something is made, it’s because someone needs it and went out of their way to order it. It gives more meaning to the things that I own here. At the same time, I don’t know how I feel about students not finishing high school. There’s still more for me to discover about the cultural context of education, craft, trade, and economics to be sure.
My outings on Wednesday and Saturday were whirls of hellos, songs, chants, thinking on my feet to offer advice, and group photos. I loved taking photos with the leadership clubs. I wasn’t so sure about posing with the crews working on building latrines for their communities because I was not in fact any help or even at all involved in the projects. Those pictures tell a different story.
You may have noticed I’m posting less than before and less as promised. As I sink into my new space, I am still negotiating with myself on what is ethical to share; how I authentically, honestly, and fairly capture my experience. Unfortunately, any art one could create contains a bias. Nothing I could make or share would leave my perspective out of this amazing place. I know that’s not a problem for my close friends and family, who actually are keeping up with me FOR that aspect, but I constantly feel the tug between a bit of healthy vanity and my deep seated conviction that there’s a deeper layer I don’t have access to yet. If I wait to write a bit longer, I’ll have a better idea of what I’m sharing. While this is a good argument at its face, it’s turtles all the way down. The idea that I’ll know more in the future will always be true. At some point, it’s time to take the plunge. As for the vanity, I just need the reminder that these writings are as much for me as for anyone else. It may be hard to get up the energy, but when I convince myself to write, I’m at peace. I process so much in those moments.
There’s a lot to look forward to in the near future. October 30th is the Halloween themed English Club. They’re going to “trick or treat” for candy and we’ll watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (as selected by the students over The Nightmare before Christmas and Hocus Pocus). November 1st, Friday, is la Toussaint (All Saints Day) which is a national and school holiday. Hurray! A three day weekend approaches. On Monday, November 4th, the Peace Corps shuttle crosses Benin and brings me two things: the Seeds of Hope Kit which contains curriculum for Peace Corps documentaries about gender equity and a projector, and, more importantly, a package from home! I’ve been watching that pacakges tracking numbers, and she’s travelled many places she shouldn’t have. She got to Cotonou on October 10th but took a quick vacation to Casa Blanca in Morocco before returning to Cotonou, now safely arrived at the Peace Corps office. I’m very eager to receive her. November 11th-13th I reunite with my cohort to receive COVID-19 booster shots and a few curated trainings. We’ll all be back together! I’m so excited to see my friends. I wasn’t expecting this opportunity until late December.
I miss home a lot. I love it here and I’m getting better about staying in the moment and being where I am. It’s enriching my life exponentially to do so.
My bread is done, so I’m going to go pull that out of the dutch oven now. Until next time!
With love,
Lena
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